Chapter Four - Dealings - cont'd

Does Superman ever get horny?

Stupid thought, James chided herself. Of course he does. He has Lois Lane hanging all over him all the time but she won’t put out so that’s why he can burn things with lasers in his eyes. All that hormonal energy has to go somewhere.

This is not good, she thought as she tried to pick something to wear for a late dinner with Guy. She had started to slowly rebuild her emaciated wardrobe but hadn’t gotten past the jeans and shirts stage. And with all the hot blood pumping through her body, she suddenly missed her girly closet.

She ended up with a black stretchy cami under a white man’s shirt and vintage light blue jeans. Boots, of course. She carefully did her make-up, taking more time than she usually did, aiming for sultry and just about making it.

This is stupid, she thought. He’s your friend. He’s not your lover. He’s not your husband.

Yes, the evil little voice in her head popped in, but that doesn’t mean…

“Go away!” she yelled to the air.

That doesn’t mean you can’t fuck him, the rest of the voices in her head finished the thought.

James strode the living room, feeling like a trapped animal. She still had some time to kill until she was going to meet Guy. She looked at the clock on the mantel, which seemed to be standing still. Frustrated, she opened the front door, meaning to get some air.

Cool air wafted in, causing James to shiver. Instinctively, she reached out and her hands found Guy’s jacket. The leather felt so soft, so warm. She saw no harm in it so she shrugged the jacket on and went outside.

The long walk down the winding drive seemed to help her dispense with some of the demons in her head but not so much with the thrumming of her loins. God, I finally understand the phrase “burning loins” from those stupid romance novels, she thought as she pulled the leather tighter around her. For some reason, having Guy’s jacket wrapped around her shoulders gave her comfort. He wasn’t one to wear cologne or aftershave, yet the leather seemed to retain his scent.

She wrenched open the gate, stepping out on to the street.

Guy was there. She turned, expecting to see him standing right behind her. No one was there. Confused, James searched up and down the street. No sign of her friend but she knew – she knew without a doubt – that he was there. She looked for his car, thinking maybe he had stopped by early to pick her up for dinner instead of meeting her. No car, no Guy.

She wandered a few steps up the street, almost ready to call out to Guy but unsure whether or not she should. After all, if he were there, wouldn’t he say something? Wouldn’t he come up to her?

A bit unnerved, James headed back through the gate. As she eased the wrought iron closed, she checked the street again. The cul de sac was quiet and nothing seemed out of place. James faded into the darkness, making her way back up the drive.

Moments passed before one of the shadows shifted slightly. Green eyes watched her figure wend its way up the hill before turning away and blending into the night.

*******************

He’s late, James thought. Guy’s jacket hung on the back of the seat across from her, the faint scent of him mixing with her perfume.

Just then, Guy strolled in, smiling at her, his green eyes flashing with delight. She stood and was welcomed into his open arms.

“Brought your jacket,” James said as she sat down. Something slight shifted in his eyes and he locked with hers.

“You’ve been wearing it, haven’t you?” He smiled an enigmatic smile. James wasn’t sure what to make of this look.

“No, why would I wear it?” She didn’t like lying to him but the sense of his presence and this unprovoked question made her nervous. Was he really there earlier? Why wouldn’t he say something? She forced a smile to her lips. “But I do have a thing for leather, ya know.” She picked up her whiskey and took a big slug of it.

But Guy didn’t sit across from her. He pulled out the chair beside her and sat, reaching over her for a menu. She held her breath, afraid she was going to drag him under the table and have her way with him.

“You okay?”

James just nodded, not trusting her voice.

“I was thinking something different tonight. The oysters here are supposed to be fantastic.” She was suddenly aware of her thigh leaning against his and the warmth created there. She took another slug of her whiskey, making her eyes water.

Just then, the waiter finally made an appearance and took their order. No oysters, thankfully. James didn’t think she could handle that. Guy ordered a martini and signaled for another shot for James before she could say no.

When the waiter strode off to place their order, Guy placed his arm around the back of James’ chair and leaned in and smiled.

“You look great tonight.”

“Thank you.” Wow, I got two whole words out… in a row, James thought. Maybe I will get through tonight without ravaging him.

Then he touched the amulet with his index fingers, sending shivers down her spine. Let the ravaging begin, the evil voices in her head demanded. Shut up, she chastised, hoping he couldn’t read her thoughts.

“This is a really beautiful piece. Did you ever figure out why that old guy gave it to you?”

James shook her head, grabbing the tumbler of amber liquid off the waiter’s tray before he could even get his hand on it. The waiter, without missing a beat, placed Guy’s martini in front of him and left them alone.

“So, how are you? We haven’t had much time to talk alone lately.”

“Fine, good, fine. Things are fine.” She was talking much too fast and her mouth was much too dry. Stop it, he’s your best friend, she chided herself. She took a deep breath, and tried to get ahold of herself.

“It’s good. I love the house. I really needed to start over.”

“It seems to agree with you.”

Hey, did he just check out my breasts? James thought. No, it’s just my imagination.

Guy raised his martini glass in a salute.

“To new beginnings.”

James raised her tumbler, feeling the heat from his thigh against hers rise.

“New beginnings.”

********************************

The vision had blood and that’s all she saw before she crashed through the surface of the dream.

Then the pain of too much whiskey replaced the panic of the vision.

“Oh, shit.”

Both hands covered her face, trying to hold her scalp on her head. Wow, she had had a lot to drink the night before.

Blearily, she finally focused on the clock. 6:15 AM. When did she get home? She didn’t remember much after the second toast – to old friends, she thought it was. She remembered thinking Guy had never looked so handsome as he had last night. His hair needed a trim and kept falling into his eyes. He also needed a shave but that only added to how attractive she suddenly had found him.

She peeked down at herself. Still in the black cami but only her sexy black Calvin Klein thong covered her bottom. Or didn’t cover her bottom.

Cautiously, she peered around the room. Her boots were neatly placed near the door, her white shirt hung carefully over a chair. She couldn’t have done that in the shape that she was in.

Gently, she put one foot on the floor. Her head did not explode, so she tried the other one. That one held, too. She eased herself out of bed, grabbed the shirt and wrapped it around her. She noticed a full glass of water and a bottle of aspirin on the table next to the bed.

She knew what she would find before she even opened the door and shuffled into the living room.

Her best friend, still in the clothes from the night before, his husky frame struggling to stay on the very narrow antique couch, his leather coat over him as a blanket. His shaggy brown hair was tousled like a little boy’s and James couldn’t think of a time when he looked sexier. She grabbed a blanket from the closet, gently replaced the coat with it, then stood over him, just watching him for a moment.

You have my heart, she thought, and you don’t even know it.

She leaned over and kissed him sweetly on the forehead. He smiled slightly in his sleep.

“I love you, “ she whispered.

He mumbled something back. She thought it was “I know” but she couldn’t be sure. She closed the door, feeling better than she had in a long time.

Chapter Four - Dealings - cont'd

That’s impossible.

Again, the doctor with the impeccable bedside manner. James fought the urge to smack him in the head.

He apologized then tried to explain what was so impossible about her recovery – statistics about organ failure, depriving the brain of oxygen, the amount of toxins in her blood stream.

She finally interrupted his litany.

“I get it, doc, I should be dead.”

Her hand went instinctively to the amulet around her neck, which was very warm to her touch. She noticed that a lot lately. For an instant, she thought of the old man. What did he do to me?

The doctor was still yammering away and James finally tuned back into what he was saying.

“… and your cholesterol is almost non-existent, which doesn’t make any sense.”

“Bottom-line it, doc.”

“You’re healthier than you were before your… accident.”

James suddenly felt her ire rise.

“It wasn’t an accident. It was definitely intentional.”

This stopped the doctor for a moment. Then he reached for his pen and a pad of paper.

“Have you seen anyone?”

“You mean a therapist?”

“Yes, to deal with your feelings and why you did this.”

“I was depressed. I wanted to kill myself.”

“Yes, but a therapist can help you figure out what triggered this urge and how to avoid it in the future.”

“The man I was in love with was a dick and he treated me like shit, that was the trigger. He figured if he fucked every woman on the west coast, that somehow would make his life worthwhile. And I know how to avoid it in the future. Don’t be with a dick.”

“Now, you know it’s not that simple.”

“Yes, it is.”

“Still, you should just make sure.”

“I am sure.”

“James, no one is that sure.”

James felt the amulet grow hotter with her temper. She pulled the pen out of the doctor’s hand.

“No man is worth giving up my life for. I don’t need to waste money on a shrink to do the math.”

She tucked the pen back into his lab coat pocket with a bit too much force, making it puncture the bottom seam of the pocket, leaving the pen to dangle helplessly.

“I think we’re done here. Have a nice day.”

James slammed the door behind her, thinking that now she’d have to find a new doctor.

***********************

James wasn’t surprised that her message machine was blinking when she walked in. She half expected it to be her doctor, telling her to not come back until she’d gone to the anger management course his assistant suggested to her on the way out.

The first message was one she had been kind of expecting.

“Hey, James, it’s me. Did I leave my coat at your place a couple of weeks ago? I can’t seem to find it and I think that’s where I remember it last.”

James looked guiltily at the leather coat hanging near her door. She’d seen Guy a handful of times with Maggie or Serena but always seemed to forget the coat at home and forget to mention she had it. It was irrational but she didn’t want to give up this piece of him yet.

“If I did, can you bring it with you next time I see you? Maybe we could grab a bite this week, without the peanut gallery. I haven’t had a chance to talk to you by yourself since…”

My accident, she thought bitterly. Why does no one want to say it? Since my suicide attempt.

“Let me know what’d be good for you. My treat. Your choice. Bye.”

She stared at the coat as though it could reveal things about Guy that she so desperately wanted to know. She was completely unprepared for the next message.

It was the voice she’d tried to forget.

“Hey, um, it’s me. I, um, heard what happened. Thought I’d see if you were… Well, I guess you are. Um, man, I guess... I’m sorry. Got your number through Pete, one of the guys that helped you move. He lives in my building and we got talking… I was surprised you moved and that your number was unlisted… Anyway, um, I’d like to see you, if you’d be okay with that. I guess I have a lot to say to you. Call me. Anyway…”

Click.

James went cold, her heart pounding in her throat. She thought she’d never hear that voice again and she was all right with that. And now, here he was, sounding contrite and pathetic. And she just wanted to rip his heart out and stuff it down his throat.

Instead, she ripped the tape out of the answering machine, walked into the kitchen, dug out a meat tenderizer and smashed the shit out of the tape. Then she swept the pieces off the counter and dropped them into the trash. She’d have to change her number again, she thought as she changed the bag in the trash and carried the full one out back. This time, she’d make sure it stayed unlisted.

She was back in the kitchen when it hit her – the pain, the sorrow, the loss, the anger. Like a freight train, the blackness of her feelings crippled her, driving her to the floor, stealing the breath from her chest. She couldn’t cry, she couldn’t scream, she couldn’t do anything because it was all too much. She hunkered on the tile, gasping, grimacing, trying to find some air. Her eyes leaked tears but she knew there were more to come. She suddenly saw it all, every woman he had ever touched, every lie he had told, every deception he had put on her. Everything was crystal clear and horrifying. There had not been a day when he had been honest with her and she had just gone along, accepting his lies, accepting his excuses. And now he had reached into her safe harbor and shattered that security.

Slowly, the pain and the sorrow gave way to the rage. Eventually, that rage burned as white hot as the amulet around her neck. Finally, the rage drove her off of the floor, on to her feet, her breathing still ragged but at least slowing down. He would not reach her again. He would not touch her again. He would not invade her world again. She would not allow it.

Now all she had to do was find him.

She smiled at last, relishing the task in front of her.

Chapter Four - Dealing - cont'd

This is wrong, James thought. I shouldn’t be doing this. It’s too weird.

But she couldn’t help it. She watched his window, knowing he was home, knowing he was alone. After all, it was 3 a.m. And it was his night off. And she knew Maggie didn’t have the night gene that she seemed to be possessed with.

So she sat in her car across from his apartment, watching his living room glow blue from the TV. She wondered what he was watching. Then she wondered why she was still sitting here. Then she wondered if Superman ever stalked Lois Lane. Not that she thought she was in Superman’s league. After all, if she were, her x-ray vision would answer her first question.

She flipped on her Ipod and Melissa Etheridge started to sing about “watching you.” She immediately turned it off.

The vision from the other day still haunted her and she couldn’t get it out of her head. It was all she had been able to think about. But she couldn’t exactly call him up and say, “Hey, Guy, you been sleeping with Maggie? You been thinking about sleeping with Maggie?” Because that would be weird. No weirder than her holding her own version of a stake-out but weird, nonetheless.

This shouldn’t bother me, she thought. He’s just my friend. She knew she was lying. The two of them had been doing that odd dance that male/female friends seem to do. She felt sometimes that they were only friends and that was fine for her. She adored him and he adored her. Nothing more than Will and Grace, when you thought about it that way. But then there were the times when she could feel the heat coming off of him and all she wanted to do was have him lean over and kiss her. There were a few nights she had to stop herself from doing just that. Those were the nights when he would catch her eye across the table or across the room and not let her go. She held her breath in those moments, waiting for him to say something, anything, but usually those moments were silent. Just his sea green eyes holding her hazel ones, nothing else existing for that single moment except that energy, that unspoken something hanging in between them. She’d always let it go, figuring she was just lonely, just clinging to him because he was there and he was truly an exceptionally lovely man.

Tonight, she knew the truth and it scared the shit out of her.

She knew she loved him.

Chapter Four - Dealings

I am going to be alone the rest of my life.

It was a statement in James’ head. Simple. Plain. Straight forward. No doubt whatsoever. And it wasn’t just this… whatever the Wraith was for her. It was her destiny. She knew it. She had never had luck with love and her recent foray was just another in a long line of disasters. She had thought for a while that she and Guy would end up together, really thought that their friendship would eventually become something else. But she was wrong about that, too. Although the thought still lingered some nights, like the other night when she dreamt that he kissed her very sweetly, stepped back and smiled that dimpled smile of his and said, “That was very nice.” She could still feel his lips on hers, see the glint in his sea green eyes, even though it was nothing more than her subconscious.

She shook herself out of that memory and moved on. Back to being alone. She would have to make something out of her life to stop her from thinking about this. She must help those who somehow manage to reach out to her. She must avenge… whatever the hell it was that she was avenging. She must…

Fuck “must”, she thought. Because some loony gypsy guy stuck a necklace in my hand, my whole life is going to be empty and dark and alone? That’s bullshit.

But the tiny voice inside her head whispered that she knew that that was right. You can’t save the world and have sex with someone. It’s against the rules. No love, no life, just avenging.

“This bites.”

She rose from the Louis the something’s chair she was curled up in. She had pretty much bought all the furniture with the house since her Ikea specials didn’t really go. The guy had been a musicologist and an antique collector. Again, she probably paid too much but she didn’t care.

She headed for another sleepless night in her bed. She stopped as she passed Guy’s coat, which still hung near the door. She hadn’t seemed to have managed to get it back to him. She reached out to touch it, to make some contact with him through this leather jacket, then pulled her hand away. Too much, she thought. Too many things in my head about him.

Little did she know.

*********************

Maggie was already waiting for her when James arrived at The Pantry. She had a stack of print-outs and a big smile.

“James, I have so much to tell you.” Maggie leapt to her feet as her friend joined her. They embraced.

James saw it all in one swift vision. Maggie, naked, on a bed, a hand running down her back, caressing her. It was Guy’s hand. No doubt.

James stepped back, her breath gone. The image hovered – naked back, Guy’s hand. Then his face came into view as he leaned in to kiss Maggie. James could hear Maggie asking her if she was okay but it sounded like she was a million miles away. James couldn’t catch her breath. Maggie and Guy. “Inevitable” was the word that echoed in her mind.

“James?”

Reality slammed back into place with a gasp.

“You should really sit down. You don’t look good.”

James slid into the booth, still staggered by her vision. She gazed at Maggie as Maggie started chattering about what she had found in her research but James barely heard her. Finally, James got to her feet.

“I’ll call you later.”

“But, James, this is what you wanted to know.”

“I’m sorry. I just can’t right now. I gotta go.”

And she was gone.

**************************